The Addams Family XXX

There are two different kinds of people. Those that liked The Addams Family more than The Munsters, and those that were wrong.

Hmm... Where do I stand? Oh yeah, Pro-Addams. So I was very excited to see an Adams Family porn parody. I thought that it could be a great experience. 

To those that are wrong, a little bit about The Addams Family. They were originally a comic series by artist Charles Addams. I'm going to save some time and assume that you are either someone who knows enough about the series that I don't have to talk about the characters, or too much of the history. Instead, I will bore you with what I saw in the Addams. (side note: I didn't know until just now that there was a Broadway play. Yes I've downloaded the soundtrack just now.)

The Addams family was one of proud people that were just not involved in our world. They liked their world, it made sense to them. And for the most part, people knew to just leave them alone. Why I preferred the Addams to the Munsters was that the Addams were happy in their place, and to a small part I think they even kinda knew how they didn't fit in, but it didn't matter. They were happy. The Munsters plots always seemed to revolve around "why don't we fit in?" Story arches. 

The Addams arches were always a little more off. I liked that. And with the adult parody I thought for sure that it would be as off as the series, and maybe dip a toe or two into the more unusual or even slightly squidgy fetishes. Because this is pornography, and ergo fantasy, there are all sorts of things that could've been touched, or even indulged in. Anyone who has seen two episodes of The Addams Family knows that they have a bdsm dungeon and there has been a history of incest within. To put either or those things, or anything else: dendrophilia, role play, Sitophilia, anything! I was excited at the concept!

I was very, very, wrong. The Addams Family XXX is just a plain insult. I should quickly point out that this all takes place more in the Addams Family Movies and rebooted tv series universe than the original. Plot wise is pretty standard fare for any parody where there are key roles played by kids in the non porn version. Magically they've aged to 18, and everyone else hasn't. But in a simple form, Wednesday and Pugsley have turned 18, and have been accepted to college. It is up to Gomez and Morticia to show them the ropes of sex. ...blah....

Casting was pretty average. I would say that the choice of Evan Stone for Gomez was a good one, but he always does his best. I hadn't seen the guy who plays Lurch before, but as he is uncut, I'm going to guess he is on loan from Europe. Everyone else was a very sub par choice. Most people chose to play their role as a mumbling robot. It was almost as if no one had ever seen an episode before.

The sets were clearly some person's house. This couldn't have looked more low budget if it tried. It was a joke. The arboretum was clearly a bedroom, with accordion fold closet doors clearly in view. 

The second worst thing about this morning after mistake was the costuming. Poor Evan was thrown into an ill-fitting costume that was about 7 sizes too big and looked more like a very low end Halloween costume. He did have a nice dress shirt, and I will give him that. India Summer wore... a thing... It was a fishnet like body suit, with an LBD, I guess? It didn't make any sense, and for some reason she still walked like Morticia. Seth Gamble's costume was easy, I mean, who can't come up with a black and white stripped top? Barry Scott played  Uncle Fester, and he was also a victim. He was forced to wear a Halloween monk robe. 

The worst thing about this, and what made me rage quit was a line given by Amber Rayne. She plays an escort, paid to take Pugsley's virginity. She gives this WONDERFUL speech about the most important things in sex. Always respect your partner, always ask and communicate, and unless you have been tested, and can trust your partner always wear a condom. It was perhaps the best moment for safe sex I had ever seen in the adult indrusty. Amber played it with such a happy positive vibe that I got excited, and then the next words exited her yap, and I was done. She then went on to say that because she was a working girl she was regularly tested, and had just come up clean. And [here comes the rage from me] as a virgin Pugsley didn't have anything, so they didn't need to worry about the pack of condoms Thing just displayed. 

At that moment, this parody went from a meh cash in to an insult. I don't care what the rest of the film holds, I will not be finishing it.

Boo to you Exquisite Films. On behalf of every Addams Family fan, I say Boo.

Product review: Real Touch

I swore to myself that I will actually do SOMETHING with this blog. I don't care if I'm the only person that reads it. It is important that I keep writing. Even if it is about all the things no one cares about.

Like today's entry where I will be talking a lot about my penis.

...so that's the sound of the internet hitting the back button... huh...

I don't do well around people. It might be a bit of a social anxiety thing, or a shyness thing (even if those seem very closely related), or perhaps it is true and I just don't care much for the human race. I've tried to like them. I've made friends, and lost them quickly. I have a career based on being around people. But I've never quite understood them.

I know that seems odd. It makes me sound like some kind of alien. Which I have always felt like. Even as a young child, I would claim I was from another planet. My parents dropped me off as a social experiment.

Yeah, I was a weird kid.

As I've grown older, I found myself able to predict acts of people based on mannerisms, and I see patterns in peoples' personalities. But that causes a problem in how I interact with the world. Dating is especially hard for me. People just bore me. I know exactly what is going to happen at dinner. And my porn habits are the worst!

When I watch pornography for the intended purpose, I don't have a "type." I like women in general. It doesn't matter the age, colour, size, measurements, or number of limbs. I can usually find something attractive in just about every woman. BUT, when I am in a relationship with someone, I don't watch films of women within the "type" of the woman I'm dating. My logic (I think) is that if I'm already with someone that looks like that, why not just go have sex with that? And if I can't have sex with that, why would I want to masturbate to it?

Yeah, I'm a weird grown-up.

Enter the Real Touch.

I've had my eye on one of these things from the first time I heard about it. In case you don't know what it is, or didn't click on the link, Allow me to explain. The Real Touch is the most advanced piece of masturbatory equipment on the market for men currently. It requires a computer with internet connection(the faster the better), decent processor, extra outlet, and a USB 2.0 port. You plug the Real Touch hub into the computer, then plug the Real Touch into the hub. Then you plug your penis into the Real Touch.

With the Real Touch plugged in, you log into the Real Touch Videos website, choose a video, and sit back while two independently driven motors, two heating elements, two lube dispensers, and tightening opening do all the work. What you see on the screen is very closely replicated on the device.

So, if you want to experience Lexi Belle's award winning performance as Bat Girl in Batman: a XXX Parody, you can be James Deen. Or if you want to try and survive a round with Gianna Michaels (you don't fuck Gianna, you survive her), you now have the opportunity to.

At least, that is the idea.

Let's begin with the bad, then I will tell in great detail the first experance, and that will lead us to the good.

The bad:
1. So much lube used... I have lube EVERYWHERE now.
2. Cleaning is a fuck for someone who wants it to be CLEAN when he cleans it.
3. Those videos aren't free.
4. SO MUCH LUBE USED!
5. Restrictions placed by the company that don't let me live in it.
6. Connection between hub and Real Touch is shit. Like total , serious shit. I have to use tape to hold it in place. which works for like 15 seconds because of reasons 1 and 4.

Now complaint #3 is a tiny one. I understand that money needs to be made SOMEHOW, but every video no matter the length costs the same in every category. So if I decide to buy a scene (which I have done with 3 different scenes) it it 29.95. That means that my 8:50 scene of Penny Flame costs 29.95. As does my 10:01 scene of Natasha Nice. BUT you want to know what else costs 29.95? A 1:04 animated scene, and a 26:28 Penny Flame scene. That balances out to $0.02ish per minute for Penny, and that animated scene will cost you about $2.14 per minute. I'd like to thank the fine robots at TutorNext for the help figuring out that ratio. But on average owning a scene will cost about $0.06 per minute the first time, which is far cheaper than the $1.00 per minute of the pay per minute. Huh... Suddenly I've talked myself out of worrying about the total cost.. Go me.

NO MORE MATH!

Complaint #5 is another not really complaint, but it should be stated that the company recommends that you don't use your RealTouch more than twice a week, and no more than 30 minutes per session. For me, the time of session isn't a problem, but twice a week seems rather mean. ...but I understand that we want to make sure no one gets addicted to it, and trust me, that can happen. Oh yes... That can happen.

The only actual Bad is #6. Now I haven't contacted RealTouch about this, and maybe I should, but the connection between the device and the hub is really bad. I have to wiggle it to find proper power, then tape it down so it stays. AND with hands just handling lube, that is not an easy task. I will at a later date make an update about this issue.

Let's get into my first experience. Get ready to jab things into your eyes!

RealTouch had a Cyber Monday deal of almost $100 off the normal price. ha ha ha, I just got the extra to that! "Cyber Monday." "Cyber" as in "cyber sex" as in sex with a computer. ha ha ha! As I wanted one for at least 3 years prior, I couldn't pass up the opportunity in front of me. It took almost a week to arrive, and it was a week that I spent looking at Fedex three to five times a day. It was finally delivered on a Wednesday, which was great for me. Wednesday is my Friday. I rushed home from work worried that my package would be either damaged, or worse, not there.

I live in what is actually a pretty nice street for my neighborhood. At least it was until the neighbors across from me moved in. I'm sure they're nice people, but everything just seems to be going downhill with their arrival. Sorry, tangent. get to the weiner so it is over with sooner, I know... I heard that all the time from females in the past...

The package was there, and in great shape. Of course it was. It came Fed-ex, not UPS. And speaking of packages, mine was already starting to require more postage, and my heart started to beat a little faster. I was excited, and not just in a "oh boy a new play thing" kind of way. I didn't feel this way when I got my Kinect, or my tv, or first kilt. This felt more like walking off the plane to meet your long distance internet girlfriend for the first time.

I unboxed it, set it up, and undressed while it went through the standard 2 minute warm up. Once it was ready, I selected one of the free videos, slid in, and immediately realized that this device was made for me. I never wanted to leave the happy confines of this machine.

Previous reviews I read commented that the device is not intense enough for them. These people are insane and wrong. very, very, very wrong. There are only two possible explanations for their review. 1, they have very small, and very not sensitive peni, or 2, they shoot Novocaine directly into their cock beforehand. I did not last through the first scene. I lasted about 2 minutes into it and lost it with the most intense orgasm I have ever had in my life.

By far.

I've never been a take a nap after sex kind of guy. I always have extra energy (unless I was already on the verge of sleep when the sexing happened), but I needed a lie down, which was difficult. My legs didn't want to work properly anymore. My eyes couldn't focus, it was good.

So what are the goods? Well...
I have regular insanely intense orgasms.
I am more mellow, and able to put up with people better.
It sounds odd, but I think it has even increased the blood flow, because my erections look and feel bigger.
I had all that extra blog income just piling up, and I needed some place to put it.
But most importantly, I am happy with it.

This of course means that I am one step closer to my dream of living with robots, and them being my friends.

Oh yeah... Tl:Dr? Buy 7 RealTouches. Do it....

Saint Patrick's Day Scene with Faye Regan and Dane Cross

Holy crap, I can't believe I haven't posted anything to this in three friggin' months.

I blame my investment in a Real Touch [review coming, Spoiler: Woahmygod].

Well, also in full disclosure, I started to doubt my ability to do this. I still kinda do. Reviewing things is harder than I expected, and reviewing the non-humpy scenes of porn is even harder. But I will not give up that easily. I found the Blogger app for my phone [review not coming, spoiler: sidekick 4g. better than g1]. So in theory I will start posting things, maybe not even talking in porn things, but just things, on this. Might be fun...

But for now, Let me dust off the cobwebs from this started review of a scene Faye Regan and Dane Cross did for Brazzers.

I don't actually have a title for it, or which of the Brazzers sites hosted it. Huzzah for flying blind!

Oh Faye Regan... How I wish I could love thee. She has so many of the qualities that I love, physically, in a woman. She is a natural ginger, she is ink free, she has those perfect boobs for a sexy LBD, with great legs to stick out of them. But then she opens her mouth... And not just to put a cock into... She always has this attitude of either "I'm too good for this." or "duhhh... what's a penis?" She goes through phases where the only male talent she'll work with is her long time boyfriend (and co-star in this little masturpiece). And something just rubs me the wrong way with her.

Now Dane Cross... ...Yeah, after following him on twitter, I kinda want to slap him in the dick. He's a winier.... He is one of the new crop of good lookin' guys in porn... except when he has his chin strap... but no one looks good with a chin strap.

On with the plot!

We open on Faye becoming annoyed that she has to wear a green dress for her uniform for a new job. The camera fades out and back in on her dressed in it. Damn her for having a job!

She stepped out to her new job which is at what may be the worst bar ever. To give you a mental image, think of a house built in the US in the mid 80's. All white, and gold trim, and glass. Now make that a bar in someone's house. This scene demands that we view this as an authentic Irish pub. Dane works as the bartender and this isn't just any day at an irish pub, it's St. Patrick's Day.

Because this pub is clearly in a house, looks like it was built in the mid 80's, and NOT an awesome Irish pub, it is dead on Faye's first day on the job. There is only one patrian, and he is already sloshed.

Once the guy (that we know Faye won't bang) leaves for the other bar, Dane and Faye get "drunk" on what is either absinthe, or green coolade.

And then the humping.

So really this wasn't as much about me reviewing some vaguely unknown scene, as it was me ranting about my annoyances with Dane Cross and Faye Regan... But I'll leave you with this link to a video they were a part of. It are funny. That makes up for it, right?

BangBus 34

I swore to myself when I started this silly thing that I would write at least one post to try and deconstruct what the hell happens in a bangbus video. So here it goes...

uuuugggghhhh...... do I have to? really? I mean, I realize that no one but myself is forcing me to do this, but still.... gah... Ok, time for me to put on my professionalism hat on.

The bangbus series is what most would consider the daddy of reality porn. Reality porn is a form of pornography that has no script, and the performers are aware of the camera the entire time. In the form that it currently remains, I am not a fan of reality porn. Porn starts aren't typically known for their improv skills. (side note: Stoya has been training in an improv class as of the writing of this). This is different from POV. POV [Point Of View] is filmed under the illusion that the male talent is the person at home watching it.

But bangbus... here is the basic premise of bangbus. Three dudes drive around in a van with limo tinting on the windows, so no one, no matter how hard they try, can see in. In essance, to the outside world, they are driving around in a windowless van. The van rolls up on "random" hot women just walking down the streets of Flordia without mace, or even a rape whistle. They are offered cash to get in the rape van to "just talk." Then the humping (eventually) begins. Everyone has an orgasm. and the girl is tricked into getting out of the van for just a moment, and the van speeds off without paying, and often without letting the girl get the rest of her clothes.

Oh the halarity! Aren't women dumb?! They really are nothing more than holes for men to thrust their superior sex organs into until orgasm. ha ha ha ha ha. har har har. This is the message sent by the bangbus, and I want to know the persons that this appealed to enough to spawn an entire empire of reality porn. Then I want to punch them with a knife.

-----Several weeks, maybe even a month later-----

Yeah, I still can't write anything past how much I hate the bangbus. In fact, I deleted my copy of BB 34 off my hard drive to make space for something else. I think it was non-porn related.

I think I'll sum it all up the same why I've described it to others. Bang Bus is creepy rape fantasy porn that is more creepy and rapey than actual rape fantasy porn because it adds a level of "women are stupid" coercion to the video that pushes back womens' rights about 20 years.

This Ain't Lady Gaga: A XXX Parody

Its pretty well accepted that Hustler tries their damnest to talk big names into doing porn with them. Sarah Palin was offered [a lot, actual numbers weren't found] to pose. Recently, Casey Anthony was offered $500,000 to pose. At the time of this writing, I can not find the amount offered to Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka Lady Gaga, to pose, but it clearly wasn't enough.

Now here is where I need to rant about Hustler videos. I have yet to see a Hustler film that was worth my time. When I watch a plotless [gonzo] film from them, something seems off. At first I think it's the lighting. I [would've] paid $24.99 US [if I hadn't illegally downloaded it] for this crap. For the money, they could've invested in a second light. Then I realize what it is, all the women are so blasted on a cocktail of pills, snortables, smokables, and drinkables that they have no idea what is going on.

If I watch one of their features, the plot is lacking, the acting is what makes the jokes about acting in porn not funny, and again the women just don't care.

In both, the issue of direction is truly weak. There is a reason why Hustler films aren't as high quality as other companies. All the good directors have little to do with Hustler. Hustler seems to be more of a starting ground for directors.

Now here is one of my biggest problems with Hustler. If they approach someone about being in one of their shoots/features unless they agree they will be shown in the most negative light possible. When Sarah Palin turned them down, Hustler came out with the feature "Who's Nailin' Palin?" A truly offensive pile that almost made anyone who wasn't a fan of Palin feel bad for her. Their defense for this was that it was satire. I suspose it was, if you think that the Scary Movie franchiese is the height of satire, then it is totally satire.

Satire:–noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing,denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2.a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human follyand vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

Yeah, I'm not seeing "referencing statements or events without context" listed in the dictionary. But that is what Hustler does. A lot. My previous posting, where I gushed about Pop Porn gives me some liberty to judge what is funny in people humping. They use satire properly. Wait for my Revenge of the Nerds A Porno Parody to example properly. ...That statement couldn't have come out more awkwardly...

This Ain't Lady Gaga is the second This Ain't [insert celebrity with standards too high to make sucky-fucky with us] feature I've sat through, and I have to admit, it is the worst. Trailer ahoy!

--Amendment: I recently re-watched what I thought was a Katy Perry porno parody. It is not Hustler, and still far superior. I apologize for the confusion.

Lady Gaga (played by Helly Mae) is far too well built physically for a Gaga look alike. Someone like a Lexi Belle or Kelli Wells (I would vote Kelli over Lexi, but you should always give at least two options) would have played the look better. And given that Hustler doesn't care as much about the acting performances, someone like Kelli (not known for very high quality scenes) could use a break out chance. Helly plays Gaga like an entitled trust fund baby at first, but then flips into some kind of lisping southern Californian sounding creature. 

I know I said that this blog won't review the humping, but I have to add a side note, STOP SHOWING ME RON JEREMY'S COCK! He is too old to be still fucking on screen.

To sum up, this feature has all the typical problems of any Hustler production: Bad acting, weak plot, bad lighting, random change of voice (Starts off as a drama, then goes into documentary), Ron Jeremy's cock, and at the end a feeling of "well, that happened... I guess." The positives (which I am adding after posting, which I don't like to do, but this whole thing seemed so angry, and needed some posi) is the music parody lyrics are kinda funny. Take the instruments for any Gaga hit, and change them to being about prostitution and doing porn. Sing those at the top of your lungs the next time one of her songs is on the radio. 

I'd skip this one, if I were you. But... If I were you, I wouldn't be me, and wouldn't know to skip this... because it never would've been written... I need to lie down now. My brain hurts.

How to Be a Ladies Man

I've spent the better part of my day watching porn and mast--er, doing research for my first entry. I know I have to set this up right and for me there is no better right than a film from the boys at PopPorn.

How To Be a Ladies Man is an older release by the standards of porn, being almost three years old. The beauty of PopPorn is the way that people like Spock Buckton just gets "it."

I think the best place to start with this film is to get the gushing out of the way. I love everything I have seen from the boys at PopPorn. There are times that I wonder if they made their company just for me. The films they make have sex, but the sex seems to be almost an after thought to every story.

Now I don't have a full history, and the wiki isn't overly helpful so I have to run on other formats. In 2009, Spock Buckton came up with an idea for a porn that mixed the PopPorn humor with lots of humping. This idea was "The Spock Buckton Pussy Gettin' Program." This rapidly turned into Zero Tolerance's How To Be A Ladies Man (done by PopPorn) Here's a trailer.

This is based on, not so much an infomercial, but the infomercials shown on sitcoms. Spock, in his almost trademark confidence shows you, the viewer at home, how using his techniques you can be "gettin' pussy every one to five minutes."

As always, PopPorn requires their cast to actually act. The typical porn acting is not in these productions. The worst performance you will see is Bobbi Star looking slightly confused as she stammered through a line that was ment to be stammered through.

...Ok, I'll be honest. Right now it is 1:12 am. My brain is turning into mush. I wanted to do something big for my first review, but I think taking on my favorite porn company has made this difficult. All I want to do is gush about it, but that isn't helpful or insightful. So how about this? Zero Tolerance and PopPorn's film How To Be A Ladies Man is exactly what I think porn should be.

...I haven't put any thought into a rating system, so... uhh... I'll give it three napkins, a phone, and a Vernors can because those are three things currently on my desk.

The other day my coworker asked me why I love porn so much. I have always had problems answering the question of why I love something. I don't think words like "why" should be involved in the concept of love. Can anyone truly explain why they love something or someone?

Think about your favorite movie. Why is it your favorite movie? My ex, I'll call her Ellie because that's her name, once told me that her favorite movie was The Lion In Winter. Now this is a classic film based on a Broadway play (that yes, was and adaption of yet another play) that tells the story of Christmas 1183 at Henry Plantagenet's chateau and primary residence in Chinon, Anjou. And a lot of stuff happens. Here, I'll give you the link to the IMDB here, and the Wiki here.

I never asked her WHY it was her favorite film for two reasons the first I slightly mentioned, and will go into more detail later, and the second because she explained why in detailing the awards it won, the cast, the time frame slash historical accuracy, and all other analitical details. But it never really touched the core of WHY. Why did she love it? Even though I can't fully explain (partly because I'm not her, and partly because I don't want her to read this and the yell at me for getting everything wrong AFTER using her name) I can take a few guesses. Ellie is a bit of an English history nut. Hell, she's a bit of an Anglophile. While there is that surface connection between her love of British history, and the joy of a well made film, I have a hunch that it also has to do with how she saw it the first time, and the closeness of her family. She comes from good folk, very smart, very good folk. I don't know, I forgot how she first saw it.

Now my favorite movie is this tiny low budget indie flick called UltraChrist! (here and here). I'll give you a moment to click on the links, as I'm sure you've never seen this thing. ...Done? good. Moving on. There is nothing that I can say about the writing, or the effects. The acting is terrible, it has never and will never win any kind of award. You know what, I don't care. I love this movie simply because I do. It makes me laugh at the jokes. I always feel good when I watch it.

The point I'm trying to make is that what makes one person enjoy one thing, another may not. The why in the question "why do you love porn" is completely irrelevant. The closest reasons I can come up with (besides "because I do") is that it is the purist proof that the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution works to this day. Porn is hated by many and still thrives. It thumbs its nose at every person and says "If you have the right to complain about me, I have the right to be here to be complained about."

And yes, the lizard part of my brain goes "it's hot people fucking!"

It should be clear at this point that I am not qualified to review anything. But I feel this great need inside me to tell you about some of the great performances in Adult Cinema, Pornography, and good ol' dirty pictures. This creates a problem. I'm not you. Or you. Or you in the office, by the way your fly is down. I don't know what arouses you. Sure, I could tell you how the amazing scene in Stoya: Atomic Tease, where Stoya and Jenna Haze are in a three-way with Danny Mountain was super hot. But if you're not a Stoya fan, well first off you're wrong, and secondly how would that convince you to watch the scene?

Now if I tell you that the movie Stoya: Atomic Tease is a plot-less hump-fest that has costuming and sets designed straight out the 1950's, all the costumes are inspired by that era (if not straight from them), and that in a spot of quality casting the amount of tattoos on the performers is minimal to keep you engaged in the fantasy of the era being played out in front of you, would that be something that might peek your your interest?

There is my calling. To explain and review porn not from the point of the humping, but from all the other parts.  I'll talk about the acting, the script, all the stuff that you skip through while trying to get to "the good stuff."

This is The Bits You Skipped.