The Addams Family XXX

There are two different kinds of people. Those that liked The Addams Family more than The Munsters, and those that were wrong.

Hmm... Where do I stand? Oh yeah, Pro-Addams. So I was very excited to see an Adams Family porn parody. I thought that it could be a great experience. 

To those that are wrong, a little bit about The Addams Family. They were originally a comic series by artist Charles Addams. I'm going to save some time and assume that you are either someone who knows enough about the series that I don't have to talk about the characters, or too much of the history. Instead, I will bore you with what I saw in the Addams. (side note: I didn't know until just now that there was a Broadway play. Yes I've downloaded the soundtrack just now.)

The Addams family was one of proud people that were just not involved in our world. They liked their world, it made sense to them. And for the most part, people knew to just leave them alone. Why I preferred the Addams to the Munsters was that the Addams were happy in their place, and to a small part I think they even kinda knew how they didn't fit in, but it didn't matter. They were happy. The Munsters plots always seemed to revolve around "why don't we fit in?" Story arches. 

The Addams arches were always a little more off. I liked that. And with the adult parody I thought for sure that it would be as off as the series, and maybe dip a toe or two into the more unusual or even slightly squidgy fetishes. Because this is pornography, and ergo fantasy, there are all sorts of things that could've been touched, or even indulged in. Anyone who has seen two episodes of The Addams Family knows that they have a bdsm dungeon and there has been a history of incest within. To put either or those things, or anything else: dendrophilia, role play, Sitophilia, anything! I was excited at the concept!

I was very, very, wrong. The Addams Family XXX is just a plain insult. I should quickly point out that this all takes place more in the Addams Family Movies and rebooted tv series universe than the original. Plot wise is pretty standard fare for any parody where there are key roles played by kids in the non porn version. Magically they've aged to 18, and everyone else hasn't. But in a simple form, Wednesday and Pugsley have turned 18, and have been accepted to college. It is up to Gomez and Morticia to show them the ropes of sex. ...blah....

Casting was pretty average. I would say that the choice of Evan Stone for Gomez was a good one, but he always does his best. I hadn't seen the guy who plays Lurch before, but as he is uncut, I'm going to guess he is on loan from Europe. Everyone else was a very sub par choice. Most people chose to play their role as a mumbling robot. It was almost as if no one had ever seen an episode before.

The sets were clearly some person's house. This couldn't have looked more low budget if it tried. It was a joke. The arboretum was clearly a bedroom, with accordion fold closet doors clearly in view. 

The second worst thing about this morning after mistake was the costuming. Poor Evan was thrown into an ill-fitting costume that was about 7 sizes too big and looked more like a very low end Halloween costume. He did have a nice dress shirt, and I will give him that. India Summer wore... a thing... It was a fishnet like body suit, with an LBD, I guess? It didn't make any sense, and for some reason she still walked like Morticia. Seth Gamble's costume was easy, I mean, who can't come up with a black and white stripped top? Barry Scott played  Uncle Fester, and he was also a victim. He was forced to wear a Halloween monk robe. 

The worst thing about this, and what made me rage quit was a line given by Amber Rayne. She plays an escort, paid to take Pugsley's virginity. She gives this WONDERFUL speech about the most important things in sex. Always respect your partner, always ask and communicate, and unless you have been tested, and can trust your partner always wear a condom. It was perhaps the best moment for safe sex I had ever seen in the adult indrusty. Amber played it with such a happy positive vibe that I got excited, and then the next words exited her yap, and I was done. She then went on to say that because she was a working girl she was regularly tested, and had just come up clean. And [here comes the rage from me] as a virgin Pugsley didn't have anything, so they didn't need to worry about the pack of condoms Thing just displayed. 

At that moment, this parody went from a meh cash in to an insult. I don't care what the rest of the film holds, I will not be finishing it.

Boo to you Exquisite Films. On behalf of every Addams Family fan, I say Boo.

Product review: Real Touch

I swore to myself that I will actually do SOMETHING with this blog. I don't care if I'm the only person that reads it. It is important that I keep writing. Even if it is about all the things no one cares about.

Like today's entry where I will be talking a lot about my penis.

...so that's the sound of the internet hitting the back button... huh...

I don't do well around people. It might be a bit of a social anxiety thing, or a shyness thing (even if those seem very closely related), or perhaps it is true and I just don't care much for the human race. I've tried to like them. I've made friends, and lost them quickly. I have a career based on being around people. But I've never quite understood them.

I know that seems odd. It makes me sound like some kind of alien. Which I have always felt like. Even as a young child, I would claim I was from another planet. My parents dropped me off as a social experiment.

Yeah, I was a weird kid.

As I've grown older, I found myself able to predict acts of people based on mannerisms, and I see patterns in peoples' personalities. But that causes a problem in how I interact with the world. Dating is especially hard for me. People just bore me. I know exactly what is going to happen at dinner. And my porn habits are the worst!

When I watch pornography for the intended purpose, I don't have a "type." I like women in general. It doesn't matter the age, colour, size, measurements, or number of limbs. I can usually find something attractive in just about every woman. BUT, when I am in a relationship with someone, I don't watch films of women within the "type" of the woman I'm dating. My logic (I think) is that if I'm already with someone that looks like that, why not just go have sex with that? And if I can't have sex with that, why would I want to masturbate to it?

Yeah, I'm a weird grown-up.

Enter the Real Touch.

I've had my eye on one of these things from the first time I heard about it. In case you don't know what it is, or didn't click on the link, Allow me to explain. The Real Touch is the most advanced piece of masturbatory equipment on the market for men currently. It requires a computer with internet connection(the faster the better), decent processor, extra outlet, and a USB 2.0 port. You plug the Real Touch hub into the computer, then plug the Real Touch into the hub. Then you plug your penis into the Real Touch.

With the Real Touch plugged in, you log into the Real Touch Videos website, choose a video, and sit back while two independently driven motors, two heating elements, two lube dispensers, and tightening opening do all the work. What you see on the screen is very closely replicated on the device.

So, if you want to experience Lexi Belle's award winning performance as Bat Girl in Batman: a XXX Parody, you can be James Deen. Or if you want to try and survive a round with Gianna Michaels (you don't fuck Gianna, you survive her), you now have the opportunity to.

At least, that is the idea.

Let's begin with the bad, then I will tell in great detail the first experance, and that will lead us to the good.

The bad:
1. So much lube used... I have lube EVERYWHERE now.
2. Cleaning is a fuck for someone who wants it to be CLEAN when he cleans it.
3. Those videos aren't free.
4. SO MUCH LUBE USED!
5. Restrictions placed by the company that don't let me live in it.
6. Connection between hub and Real Touch is shit. Like total , serious shit. I have to use tape to hold it in place. which works for like 15 seconds because of reasons 1 and 4.

Now complaint #3 is a tiny one. I understand that money needs to be made SOMEHOW, but every video no matter the length costs the same in every category. So if I decide to buy a scene (which I have done with 3 different scenes) it it 29.95. That means that my 8:50 scene of Penny Flame costs 29.95. As does my 10:01 scene of Natasha Nice. BUT you want to know what else costs 29.95? A 1:04 animated scene, and a 26:28 Penny Flame scene. That balances out to $0.02ish per minute for Penny, and that animated scene will cost you about $2.14 per minute. I'd like to thank the fine robots at TutorNext for the help figuring out that ratio. But on average owning a scene will cost about $0.06 per minute the first time, which is far cheaper than the $1.00 per minute of the pay per minute. Huh... Suddenly I've talked myself out of worrying about the total cost.. Go me.

NO MORE MATH!

Complaint #5 is another not really complaint, but it should be stated that the company recommends that you don't use your RealTouch more than twice a week, and no more than 30 minutes per session. For me, the time of session isn't a problem, but twice a week seems rather mean. ...but I understand that we want to make sure no one gets addicted to it, and trust me, that can happen. Oh yes... That can happen.

The only actual Bad is #6. Now I haven't contacted RealTouch about this, and maybe I should, but the connection between the device and the hub is really bad. I have to wiggle it to find proper power, then tape it down so it stays. AND with hands just handling lube, that is not an easy task. I will at a later date make an update about this issue.

Let's get into my first experience. Get ready to jab things into your eyes!

RealTouch had a Cyber Monday deal of almost $100 off the normal price. ha ha ha, I just got the extra to that! "Cyber Monday." "Cyber" as in "cyber sex" as in sex with a computer. ha ha ha! As I wanted one for at least 3 years prior, I couldn't pass up the opportunity in front of me. It took almost a week to arrive, and it was a week that I spent looking at Fedex three to five times a day. It was finally delivered on a Wednesday, which was great for me. Wednesday is my Friday. I rushed home from work worried that my package would be either damaged, or worse, not there.

I live in what is actually a pretty nice street for my neighborhood. At least it was until the neighbors across from me moved in. I'm sure they're nice people, but everything just seems to be going downhill with their arrival. Sorry, tangent. get to the weiner so it is over with sooner, I know... I heard that all the time from females in the past...

The package was there, and in great shape. Of course it was. It came Fed-ex, not UPS. And speaking of packages, mine was already starting to require more postage, and my heart started to beat a little faster. I was excited, and not just in a "oh boy a new play thing" kind of way. I didn't feel this way when I got my Kinect, or my tv, or first kilt. This felt more like walking off the plane to meet your long distance internet girlfriend for the first time.

I unboxed it, set it up, and undressed while it went through the standard 2 minute warm up. Once it was ready, I selected one of the free videos, slid in, and immediately realized that this device was made for me. I never wanted to leave the happy confines of this machine.

Previous reviews I read commented that the device is not intense enough for them. These people are insane and wrong. very, very, very wrong. There are only two possible explanations for their review. 1, they have very small, and very not sensitive peni, or 2, they shoot Novocaine directly into their cock beforehand. I did not last through the first scene. I lasted about 2 minutes into it and lost it with the most intense orgasm I have ever had in my life.

By far.

I've never been a take a nap after sex kind of guy. I always have extra energy (unless I was already on the verge of sleep when the sexing happened), but I needed a lie down, which was difficult. My legs didn't want to work properly anymore. My eyes couldn't focus, it was good.

So what are the goods? Well...
I have regular insanely intense orgasms.
I am more mellow, and able to put up with people better.
It sounds odd, but I think it has even increased the blood flow, because my erections look and feel bigger.
I had all that extra blog income just piling up, and I needed some place to put it.
But most importantly, I am happy with it.

This of course means that I am one step closer to my dream of living with robots, and them being my friends.

Oh yeah... Tl:Dr? Buy 7 RealTouches. Do it....