This Ain't Lady Gaga: A XXX Parody

Its pretty well accepted that Hustler tries their damnest to talk big names into doing porn with them. Sarah Palin was offered [a lot, actual numbers weren't found] to pose. Recently, Casey Anthony was offered $500,000 to pose. At the time of this writing, I can not find the amount offered to Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka Lady Gaga, to pose, but it clearly wasn't enough.

Now here is where I need to rant about Hustler videos. I have yet to see a Hustler film that was worth my time. When I watch a plotless [gonzo] film from them, something seems off. At first I think it's the lighting. I [would've] paid $24.99 US [if I hadn't illegally downloaded it] for this crap. For the money, they could've invested in a second light. Then I realize what it is, all the women are so blasted on a cocktail of pills, snortables, smokables, and drinkables that they have no idea what is going on.

If I watch one of their features, the plot is lacking, the acting is what makes the jokes about acting in porn not funny, and again the women just don't care.

In both, the issue of direction is truly weak. There is a reason why Hustler films aren't as high quality as other companies. All the good directors have little to do with Hustler. Hustler seems to be more of a starting ground for directors.

Now here is one of my biggest problems with Hustler. If they approach someone about being in one of their shoots/features unless they agree they will be shown in the most negative light possible. When Sarah Palin turned them down, Hustler came out with the feature "Who's Nailin' Palin?" A truly offensive pile that almost made anyone who wasn't a fan of Palin feel bad for her. Their defense for this was that it was satire. I suspose it was, if you think that the Scary Movie franchiese is the height of satire, then it is totally satire.

Satire:–noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing,denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2.a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human follyand vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

Yeah, I'm not seeing "referencing statements or events without context" listed in the dictionary. But that is what Hustler does. A lot. My previous posting, where I gushed about Pop Porn gives me some liberty to judge what is funny in people humping. They use satire properly. Wait for my Revenge of the Nerds A Porno Parody to example properly. ...That statement couldn't have come out more awkwardly...

This Ain't Lady Gaga is the second This Ain't [insert celebrity with standards too high to make sucky-fucky with us] feature I've sat through, and I have to admit, it is the worst. Trailer ahoy!

--Amendment: I recently re-watched what I thought was a Katy Perry porno parody. It is not Hustler, and still far superior. I apologize for the confusion.

Lady Gaga (played by Helly Mae) is far too well built physically for a Gaga look alike. Someone like a Lexi Belle or Kelli Wells (I would vote Kelli over Lexi, but you should always give at least two options) would have played the look better. And given that Hustler doesn't care as much about the acting performances, someone like Kelli (not known for very high quality scenes) could use a break out chance. Helly plays Gaga like an entitled trust fund baby at first, but then flips into some kind of lisping southern Californian sounding creature. 

I know I said that this blog won't review the humping, but I have to add a side note, STOP SHOWING ME RON JEREMY'S COCK! He is too old to be still fucking on screen.

To sum up, this feature has all the typical problems of any Hustler production: Bad acting, weak plot, bad lighting, random change of voice (Starts off as a drama, then goes into documentary), Ron Jeremy's cock, and at the end a feeling of "well, that happened... I guess." The positives (which I am adding after posting, which I don't like to do, but this whole thing seemed so angry, and needed some posi) is the music parody lyrics are kinda funny. Take the instruments for any Gaga hit, and change them to being about prostitution and doing porn. Sing those at the top of your lungs the next time one of her songs is on the radio. 

I'd skip this one, if I were you. But... If I were you, I wouldn't be me, and wouldn't know to skip this... because it never would've been written... I need to lie down now. My brain hurts.

How to Be a Ladies Man

I've spent the better part of my day watching porn and mast--er, doing research for my first entry. I know I have to set this up right and for me there is no better right than a film from the boys at PopPorn.

How To Be a Ladies Man is an older release by the standards of porn, being almost three years old. The beauty of PopPorn is the way that people like Spock Buckton just gets "it."

I think the best place to start with this film is to get the gushing out of the way. I love everything I have seen from the boys at PopPorn. There are times that I wonder if they made their company just for me. The films they make have sex, but the sex seems to be almost an after thought to every story.

Now I don't have a full history, and the wiki isn't overly helpful so I have to run on other formats. In 2009, Spock Buckton came up with an idea for a porn that mixed the PopPorn humor with lots of humping. This idea was "The Spock Buckton Pussy Gettin' Program." This rapidly turned into Zero Tolerance's How To Be A Ladies Man (done by PopPorn) Here's a trailer.

This is based on, not so much an infomercial, but the infomercials shown on sitcoms. Spock, in his almost trademark confidence shows you, the viewer at home, how using his techniques you can be "gettin' pussy every one to five minutes."

As always, PopPorn requires their cast to actually act. The typical porn acting is not in these productions. The worst performance you will see is Bobbi Star looking slightly confused as she stammered through a line that was ment to be stammered through.

...Ok, I'll be honest. Right now it is 1:12 am. My brain is turning into mush. I wanted to do something big for my first review, but I think taking on my favorite porn company has made this difficult. All I want to do is gush about it, but that isn't helpful or insightful. So how about this? Zero Tolerance and PopPorn's film How To Be A Ladies Man is exactly what I think porn should be.

...I haven't put any thought into a rating system, so... uhh... I'll give it three napkins, a phone, and a Vernors can because those are three things currently on my desk.

The other day my coworker asked me why I love porn so much. I have always had problems answering the question of why I love something. I don't think words like "why" should be involved in the concept of love. Can anyone truly explain why they love something or someone?

Think about your favorite movie. Why is it your favorite movie? My ex, I'll call her Ellie because that's her name, once told me that her favorite movie was The Lion In Winter. Now this is a classic film based on a Broadway play (that yes, was and adaption of yet another play) that tells the story of Christmas 1183 at Henry Plantagenet's chateau and primary residence in Chinon, Anjou. And a lot of stuff happens. Here, I'll give you the link to the IMDB here, and the Wiki here.

I never asked her WHY it was her favorite film for two reasons the first I slightly mentioned, and will go into more detail later, and the second because she explained why in detailing the awards it won, the cast, the time frame slash historical accuracy, and all other analitical details. But it never really touched the core of WHY. Why did she love it? Even though I can't fully explain (partly because I'm not her, and partly because I don't want her to read this and the yell at me for getting everything wrong AFTER using her name) I can take a few guesses. Ellie is a bit of an English history nut. Hell, she's a bit of an Anglophile. While there is that surface connection between her love of British history, and the joy of a well made film, I have a hunch that it also has to do with how she saw it the first time, and the closeness of her family. She comes from good folk, very smart, very good folk. I don't know, I forgot how she first saw it.

Now my favorite movie is this tiny low budget indie flick called UltraChrist! (here and here). I'll give you a moment to click on the links, as I'm sure you've never seen this thing. ...Done? good. Moving on. There is nothing that I can say about the writing, or the effects. The acting is terrible, it has never and will never win any kind of award. You know what, I don't care. I love this movie simply because I do. It makes me laugh at the jokes. I always feel good when I watch it.

The point I'm trying to make is that what makes one person enjoy one thing, another may not. The why in the question "why do you love porn" is completely irrelevant. The closest reasons I can come up with (besides "because I do") is that it is the purist proof that the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution works to this day. Porn is hated by many and still thrives. It thumbs its nose at every person and says "If you have the right to complain about me, I have the right to be here to be complained about."

And yes, the lizard part of my brain goes "it's hot people fucking!"

It should be clear at this point that I am not qualified to review anything. But I feel this great need inside me to tell you about some of the great performances in Adult Cinema, Pornography, and good ol' dirty pictures. This creates a problem. I'm not you. Or you. Or you in the office, by the way your fly is down. I don't know what arouses you. Sure, I could tell you how the amazing scene in Stoya: Atomic Tease, where Stoya and Jenna Haze are in a three-way with Danny Mountain was super hot. But if you're not a Stoya fan, well first off you're wrong, and secondly how would that convince you to watch the scene?

Now if I tell you that the movie Stoya: Atomic Tease is a plot-less hump-fest that has costuming and sets designed straight out the 1950's, all the costumes are inspired by that era (if not straight from them), and that in a spot of quality casting the amount of tattoos on the performers is minimal to keep you engaged in the fantasy of the era being played out in front of you, would that be something that might peek your your interest?

There is my calling. To explain and review porn not from the point of the humping, but from all the other parts.  I'll talk about the acting, the script, all the stuff that you skip through while trying to get to "the good stuff."

This is The Bits You Skipped.